Paulfrom Thingsthatfly

I miss you, Paul. How has it been 6 months? I remember that night when we found out... Indescribable. Why did you leave so soon? There are so many unanswered questions and so many of us down here that miss you terribly. Your family loves you unconditionally, and we think of you constantly. 

Our God is In Control

It's no secret that I'm an internal processor. Sometimes it takes me a little while to form complete thoughts, let alone words to say what I'm actually thinking... it's just the way I've always operated, and it's become more apparent as I've gotten older.


I think I now understand what it means for Jesus to meet me completely where I'm at. This last week has been one of the toughest I've ever faced in my life -- experiencing loss in such a sudden and devastating way is something I hope no one ever has to face in their lifetime... and I know it's just going to be a process as life continues to go on, but grief lingers. Most of the time I literally have had no words or complete thoughts. But this I do know:

Then I saw "a new heaven and a new earth," for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Look! God's dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 'He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." [Revelation 21:1-4]

Can't wait for that day.

God is good -- not just because of GOOD things

"Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him."                                                                       Job 13:15

It honestly blows my mind how fast time can go by... it's almost been two years since I left staff with Cru, and it seems so distant in my mind, yet not that far away, and so much has happened. I feel like I've changed so much as a person and the way I view the world, and God, and people -- so much different than even just two years ago. I'm so thankful that God is interested in refining me all the time, and not just when I feel it. It's actually in those crappy and low moments, when He's probably doing the most refining after all.

I listened to a podcast last weekend, and something caught me off guard. Tim Keller addressed something that I have thought about for a long time, but have never been able to wrap my mind around. Basically it's this...

Do I trust God, for His agenda, or for what He gives me... OR do I trust Him precisely for who He is... because He's -- well, God?

Something has always bothered me about the way people (myself, included) have chosen to declare the glory of God, and praise His name. When things are great... when things are at the "mountain top," it is... "God is so good." "Praise Him!" I do this. I choose to glorify His name when my circumstances are great.... when things in my life are going well... when things seem to be peachy.  You know what is so dangerous about this? ...What happens when it is all stripped away, when circumstances aren't so great, and when there is nothing left? What do I do? Am I still that enthusiastic to praise His name? At the end of the day am I still quick to say that He is good?

I really have been hesitant in the past to talk about my struggle with migraines. When I get them, I kind of go into survival mode... especially in the Fall and Springtime they are really bad and the seasons are changing. These last couple of weeks have been especially hard.. not just because they are consistent, but because I have been discouraged in ways that I haven't been since they started several years ago. As I thought more about why this is, honestly it's because I've been striving for years to try and "fix" them myself... through physical therapy, medications, diet, etc. I've been holding out for the possibility that one day I'll wake up and they'll be gone. This is all great, however there is a problem with it. My mentality has been that I will be guaranteed a fix at some point... But, at the end of the day who says that I'm promised this? Who says that my migraines are going to go away and be healed while I'm still on this earth? I made this up. God, are you still good, even if you choose to not take away my migraines when I ask you to specifically?

Yes. He is...   His standard is perfection, and I fall short of that and deserve death. So what did He do? He chose to come down from heaven and die in my place... the worst possible death. He died in my in my place! He took my place! And now I walk free and am able to live abundantly in GRACE for the rest of my life. This is absolutely ridiculous! He is so GOOD to me.

So what is my definition of goodness? What is it based off of? My circumstances, or precisely God, and God alone?

My prayer is that God would change my heart, because I can't do it by myself... I need Him to help me come to truly understand that He isn't good based on circumstance, but because of who He is...that I would glorify and praise His name not when things are just good and going well, but the times I'm lonely in this season of my life... when I fail... when I have a migraine.

"Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him." Job 13:15

You are still good.

You are GOOD.

You are good regardless of circumstance. You are good.

This sermon is worth the listen:
The King and the Furnace

So is this:

I need to be THANKFUL

About a year ago, a good friend of mine encouraged me to make a list of thanksgivings, praises, and ways that I've seen God's hand and kindness in my life. But she challenged me to do this during a time that wasn't the easiest for me, and when it really wasn't easy for me to naturally choose to look beyond myself and see how I was truly being blessed.

Well, I did this for a while, and you know what happened? It completely changed my attitude, because I was able to look outside of myself and my situation and see how the God of the Universe was working in my life, and in spite of me. I also remember learning that although it isn't easy, it always is a conscious choice to CHOOSE to be thankful and to CHOOSE Jesus.

The last 2 months or so have really been hard. Last week was kind of the icing on the cake, and at the end of the day, I really did just want to be pissed and stay mad for a really long time. (Realistically, I know this doesn't help in any way. But you've gotta admit, that in the moment it feels sooo good, and sooo justifiable to stay MAD!!!)

A few weeks ago, I remembered what my friend had told me a year ago, and how she had challenged me to make this list and write something down each day, even when I didn't want to.

I had to start setting my feelings aside, because I know that in the middle of unfortunate events, these (feelings) aren't always the most reliable. Regardless of how I feel, the things I know hold true are these: God loves me, He never fails, and He won't ever change. Oh, and He's trustworthy. He hasn't ever proven me wrong. Even in the midst of my frustration I'm confident, and I can still say these things.

So, I continue to write out my list, in hope that it will (slowly, but surely) change my attitude, and ultimately bring Him glory. Because I sure as heck don't deserve it. I'm just the one with the crappy attitude that needs changing. So, here's some of my list so far...

I am thankful for:

-A God who doesn't change, in the midst of so much change.

-Living with one of my best friends.

-My family.

-My roommate.

-The piano.

-Taking piano lessons again, with a fantastic teacher.

-I'm EXCITED about learning things about the piano again, and actually love practicing. (who am I?)

-New friends

-My cute puppy, Charlie who makes me laugh all of the time.

-Growing up in a musical home.

-The opportunity to play so many instruments and participate in lots of different musical activities throughout my life so far.

-Fall: leaves, beautiful colors, change in the seasons.

-Thanksgiving will be here so soon. And along with that comes good times, traveling to Maryland, seeing part of my family, and three days off of work!

-My cousin, Laura... she is my best friend, and I can tell her anything.

-My job.

-Coffee. And I can get an endless supply of it for free because my awesome roommate gets a pound/week working at Starbucks.

-Music, and how it has meant so many things to me throughout my life.

-The fact that I am finding the joy in music again, for the first time in a really long time.

-Spartan Football (beating Michigan), and doing so well!

-Spartan BASKETBALL is number 1!!

-My loving and supportive parents, their marriage, and the sweet home that they provided when I was growing up.

-Ecclesiastes 3:11 -- He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

-A Savior who took my place, paid for my sins and offers me Salvation in return for absolutely nothing.

-A God who knows me, knows my thoughts ahead of time, and still loves me in spite of it all.

-My college education at Michigan State.

-Everlasting Love from a God who doesn't run out of it.

-The amazing people who have poured into and have helped influence my life, and whom I have had the privilege of spending time with learning from. I will forever be grateful.

-My internship with Cru after college.

-A God who doesn't look at me the same way that I view myself! He looks at me spotless, and views me as brand new, and treasured.

-Expressions Music Academy... the friends I have met, experiences I have had, and the things I have learned.

-My three siblings. I love all of them, and am thankful that I grew up in a big family.

-My dog Mickey. I'm thankful that he will be 16 next week, and that I was fortunate enough to grow up with such a sweet dog. I'm thankful he's still alive.

-Technicians who can fix my car and can get it running again.

-Medicine to help with migraines.

-God being in control of all situations.


My prayer in this season is that I would choose to be thankful in spite of my circumstances. And to step away and tangibly see these things that are happening throughout my day. Because they always are - I just have to choose to watch God's work at hand. I pray that I would choose joy over despair, because in the end Jesus is walking with me at all times. And that alone is something to rejoice about.

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." [Zephaniah 3:17]

Life is like a box of chocolate

I thought of this blog the other day. I remembered how I wanted to write in here more. Haven't really done that much since July. I think I get a little bit self-conscious. Like - I secretly covet other people's ability to write sweet-sounding, eloquently written blogs on a constant basis. Well, I think I have finally come to the conclusion that I am neither an eloquent speaker, writer, nor am I a disciplined person. Phew, now that we have that out of the way... I think I'll just write down my thoughts from now on.

In the last several months of my life there's been so much change. In the post before this, I was in Chicago hanging out with a bunch of college students and other Cru staff on summer project. My summer was awesome and extremely refreshing after a really hard year. I felt very loved by the Lord through other people who were in Chicago with me, and really just loved living each each day as it came. I really didn't want it to end, because I knew life was going to change a lot when I headed home, and it did.

Quick update: I've gone from living in Lansing where I lived for the last six years, went to college for 4 of them, then worked in full-time ministry for two years at MSU; then I moved back to Farmington Hills in August. Had you asked me even a year ago if I'd be living back in the place I grew up I would have told you absolutely not. But alas! Here I am. And my parents are extremely gracious for taking me back in... thanks Mom and Dad! :) I'm working a few different jobs - retail at a music store, teaching some music students from my home one night a week, and driving out to students' homes one night a week. I'm also teaching out of a sweet place called Expressions Music Academy two nights a week in Novi.

Back in April when I decided to not join staff with Cru, it was one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make, for a lot of reasons. A couple of them being - not only would I be leaving my community-base, but I'd be leaving the home I had known for the last several years of my life. There were several factors that went into my final decision; but when I get down to it, I loved what I did - I loved getting to directly see God transform people's hearts, and then  relationally getting to engage with them. I also loved being around people on a regular basis who knew me well, who loved Jesus and who could point me to Him. I knew that it was going to be hard leaving behind what I knew so well.

This weekend is the weekend of Cru's staff conference... it was one of my favorite times out of the entire year, because it was a time for the staff from the entire region to come together in Cincinnati and get a chance to see what was happening across all of the different campuses. We'd worship together, hear from amazing speakers, and we'd also get a chance to connect with people we hadn't seen in a really long time, which was always so sweet. It was held at The Great Wolf Lodge too, which was always a bonus (water slides & lazy river, anyone?!) I loved that this was built into our year and we could get a chance to diverge from the busyness of our schedules and rest. I think this is the first time I have really found myself missing my community from before in a huge way, because I've been trying not to think about it so much.

Something that I've been really thinking about is how discontent I've been since I've moved back here. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that it's just so different. You wouldn't think that moving back to your hometown would be so different, but it is. And I have de ja vu constantly, because it's like, I remember things that I used to do when I was a kid growing up, but now I'm a completely different person. Weird. So now that I'm here, I've struggled to embrace this new change - this new spot that I'm in, and the relationships that have really changed around me.  

So as I sit here this weekend, with my heart longing to be in Cincinnati with my friends, I realize that I actually have a choice. I can wallow in self-pity and think about where I'm at and where I'd rather be, or I can choose to ask God to help me to be content with where I'm at. I can ask Him to help me to take advantage of this stage of life that I'm in and help me to run to truth... because I need it badly. That's right... ask Him to help me go there. I don't naturally run to Truth or look for a way out, but realize that I need help, and He's the only one who can help and fulfill me. I need to remember the Truth of who Jesus says He is, what He did for me (Isaiah 53:4-6 & Eph. 2:1-10) and what He has accomplished (John 16:33 & John 19:30). And this is good news that far outweighs anything else.

Jesus help me to run to you. Help me to wrestle through things with you and remember the essence of the Gospel. You're all I've got, and I'm so thankful that you love me in spite of who I am.

"Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the LORD, "You are my LORD; I have no good apart from you." 11...You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." [Psalm 16]

What does it mean to be still?

"Many times His voice is a still small voice - a gentle whisper, something barely audible, unless you are listening for it" 

Mark Charles 

I've really enjoyed getting the opportunity to share pictures on this blog over the last several weeks. One of the ways I really connect with the Lord is by listening to music and thinking about how the words in the music connect to the word, and I also like taking pictures of things in His creation. But I thought I'd also share a little bit of what I've been learning as well while I was in Chicago, and in the last few months.

For quite some time, I feel like I've been really challenged with Psalm 46. The entire Psalm acknowledges the sovereignty of God and how He's in control. It talks about God being our "refuge and our strength, a very present help in trouble." (v. 1-2) The writer of the Psalm addresses not having fear "though the earth gives way" (v. 3). He can move the mountains (v. 2), and the very sound of His voice makes the earth melt (v. 6).

Then at the very end of this Psalm, God says "Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!" (v. 10) 

In two days I'm going to be leaving Chicago, and my life is going to change a lot as I'll enter into a new stage of life. I admit that I have not trusted God fully with what this means, as my heart has been filled with anxiousness and worry. Especially in the last week, I can sense my heart getting worked up, and my thoughts have not been resting upon Him and the Truth that I know.

A couple months ago I was really challenged with what it really means to be still and just... "be."
Get rid of the noise... get rid of the distractions. Just... be still. So often, I get lost in the world and the distractions of my routine, and stresses of my "stuff." I do this so often that I miss what Jesus is trying to say to me. A lot of the time I miss out on how He's trying to show me He loves me - especially in the little things throughout my day.

Recently, I heard this podcast, and it challenged me greatly.

The best parts are at 43 seconds through 6:26; and 9:44 to the end

Lord, help my heart to be still before you.

Chicago - day #39

Last night was the last night of our Action Group (bible study).
One of my favorite things about my job these last two years has been getting to know people on an individual basis, and getting to know their stories. I have really enjoyed getting the chance to know each of the girls (below), seeing how God has met each of them where they are at, and also diving into the Word with them each week. I'm really going to miss them once I leave Chicago on Friday, but am excited at how the Lord is going to continue working in their lives the rest of the summer.