Life is like a box of chocolate

I thought of this blog the other day. I remembered how I wanted to write in here more. Haven't really done that much since July. I think I get a little bit self-conscious. Like - I secretly covet other people's ability to write sweet-sounding, eloquently written blogs on a constant basis. Well, I think I have finally come to the conclusion that I am neither an eloquent speaker, writer, nor am I a disciplined person. Phew, now that we have that out of the way... I think I'll just write down my thoughts from now on.

In the last several months of my life there's been so much change. In the post before this, I was in Chicago hanging out with a bunch of college students and other Cru staff on summer project. My summer was awesome and extremely refreshing after a really hard year. I felt very loved by the Lord through other people who were in Chicago with me, and really just loved living each each day as it came. I really didn't want it to end, because I knew life was going to change a lot when I headed home, and it did.

Quick update: I've gone from living in Lansing where I lived for the last six years, went to college for 4 of them, then worked in full-time ministry for two years at MSU; then I moved back to Farmington Hills in August. Had you asked me even a year ago if I'd be living back in the place I grew up I would have told you absolutely not. But alas! Here I am. And my parents are extremely gracious for taking me back in... thanks Mom and Dad! :) I'm working a few different jobs - retail at a music store, teaching some music students from my home one night a week, and driving out to students' homes one night a week. I'm also teaching out of a sweet place called Expressions Music Academy two nights a week in Novi.

Back in April when I decided to not join staff with Cru, it was one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make, for a lot of reasons. A couple of them being - not only would I be leaving my community-base, but I'd be leaving the home I had known for the last several years of my life. There were several factors that went into my final decision; but when I get down to it, I loved what I did - I loved getting to directly see God transform people's hearts, and then  relationally getting to engage with them. I also loved being around people on a regular basis who knew me well, who loved Jesus and who could point me to Him. I knew that it was going to be hard leaving behind what I knew so well.

This weekend is the weekend of Cru's staff conference... it was one of my favorite times out of the entire year, because it was a time for the staff from the entire region to come together in Cincinnati and get a chance to see what was happening across all of the different campuses. We'd worship together, hear from amazing speakers, and we'd also get a chance to connect with people we hadn't seen in a really long time, which was always so sweet. It was held at The Great Wolf Lodge too, which was always a bonus (water slides & lazy river, anyone?!) I loved that this was built into our year and we could get a chance to diverge from the busyness of our schedules and rest. I think this is the first time I have really found myself missing my community from before in a huge way, because I've been trying not to think about it so much.

Something that I've been really thinking about is how discontent I've been since I've moved back here. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that it's just so different. You wouldn't think that moving back to your hometown would be so different, but it is. And I have de ja vu constantly, because it's like, I remember things that I used to do when I was a kid growing up, but now I'm a completely different person. Weird. So now that I'm here, I've struggled to embrace this new change - this new spot that I'm in, and the relationships that have really changed around me.  

So as I sit here this weekend, with my heart longing to be in Cincinnati with my friends, I realize that I actually have a choice. I can wallow in self-pity and think about where I'm at and where I'd rather be, or I can choose to ask God to help me to be content with where I'm at. I can ask Him to help me to take advantage of this stage of life that I'm in and help me to run to truth... because I need it badly. That's right... ask Him to help me go there. I don't naturally run to Truth or look for a way out, but realize that I need help, and He's the only one who can help and fulfill me. I need to remember the Truth of who Jesus says He is, what He did for me (Isaiah 53:4-6 & Eph. 2:1-10) and what He has accomplished (John 16:33 & John 19:30). And this is good news that far outweighs anything else.

Jesus help me to run to you. Help me to wrestle through things with you and remember the essence of the Gospel. You're all I've got, and I'm so thankful that you love me in spite of who I am.

"Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the LORD, "You are my LORD; I have no good apart from you." 11...You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." [Psalm 16]